Poo-phoria!

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Finally – the much promised POO RATING SYSTEM!!!

Now honestly – who doesn’t like a good poo? It is truly a wondrous happening and is often followed by a feeling of euphoria, lightness, energy and clarity. And no wonder, as the toxic waste has left your body, hopefully in good time.

My husband and I created a Poo Rating system in the fairly early stages of our relationship (it has to be a match made in heaven – someone else who loves to talk poo!) Since toilet humour never fails to make me crack up, the poo rating system was just a natural progression of a past time I never fail to enjoy (okay, maybe this is because I did experience occasional constipation as a child). You know, now that I think about it, my whole interest in a healthier lifestyle was probably initiated by not only wanting more energy, and to look and feel great, but to also…POO better! Cause a good poo is ecstatic and life altering. Uh huh, it’s true. Admit it! And it has been a fun and amazing journey.

We all know (or most of us do) the disappointment of a lame poo. Hence the many titles for various poos (these titles and descriptions are borrowed from an old printout I have from years back that I have oh so treasured!), such as:
The Ghost Poo:
You know you’ve pooed. There’s poo in the toilet paper but none in the toilet.
Teflon Coated Poo:
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t even feel it! No trace of poo on the T.P. You have to look in the bowl to make sure you did it.
Gooey Poo
Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don’t come clean (baby wip
es, anyone?) You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain them. This leaves a permanent skid mark in the toilet. (Let’s hope this doesn’t happen at the house of a hot date!)
Second Thought Poo:
You are all done wiping and you’re about to stand up when you realize…you’ve got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn’t want to come out until you’re all sweaty and trembling and purple from straining so hard. (He should have tried squatting and come for a COLONIC!)
Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much, you lose several kilograms (or pounds, for us).
Right Now Poo:
You had better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head poking out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poo:
This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it down into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else’s house. (Vegetarians often have these. In our system, we call this a 15 – see rating system below)
Cork Poo (also known as floaters)
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get of it?
Wet Cheek Poo:
The poo hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash and gets you all wet.
Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo. (oh, those suck!)
Cement Block Poo (with extra blue metal)
You wish you’d gotten a spinal before you pooed. (Ouch! More fibre is needed if you are pooing this way!)
Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft and is about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 feet long. (vegetarians often poo this way!)
Beer Drunk and Meat Pie Poo:
Normally your poo doesn’t smell too bad, but this one is RANK…usually happens at someone else’s house and there’s someone standing outside to use the bathroom.
Mexican Food Poo (also called Screamers)
You know it is alright to start eating again when your bum stops burning.
The Chinese Food Poo:
Half an hour after one you’ll need another one

Ah, the
wonderful world of poo. So much room for comedy.

Now onto the Poo Rating System (not copyrighted). We don’t really know its origins, or who started it. Originally, it was started as a way to describe the volume, rather than the consistency. That came later.
This system is very simple and everyone in the family can employ it. 🙂
The rating is done on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being totally lame, to 10 being ecstatically releasing and energizing, one where you are sure you lost weight on. A 10 gives off reverberations that could last for up to an hour, sometimes more (if lucky!) Ah, I love those tens.

Later, we started using higher numbers to describe a lovely B.M when it felt like a beyond 10 – you know, “Oh my God, I just had a 15!” Since the majority of our diet is fruits, veggies and seeds, we have a lot of those. Probably too much info, but hey, I am talking about our Poo Rating system, and I want you to understand how to use this system for your enjoyment.

Then Gino, my husband, invented the disappointment factor, because one day, Gino felt the “movement”
and happily trotted off to the toilet, only to come back a few minutes later with a severely disappointed look on his face.
“What’s wrong?”I asked.
“I just had a 2 with a Disappointment Factor of -2, which made it a 0,” he said glumly. And that’s when we realized that the rating system could go to -1, meaning, if you have a 1, (obviously a 0 would be no poo at all), then the 1, if you are disappointed, could have a maximum disappointment factor of -2. Now, we could say that a – 2 would be the lowest, cause what if you have the urge, sit on the toilet and just fart? That would definitely bring on a HUGE disappointment factor.

We love this rating system so much that sometimes we will call each other (usually it is Gino, cause as soon as he has his veggie juice in the morning, off he goes) and he will say, “Ohhhhhh, man, I just did a 12, I feel so chup chup (that’s his way of saying, I feel really relaxed and really good). I always get jealous, cause often when I am out and about early in the morning, my body takes a bit longer to catch up!

Oh, and another thing we use- if we eat something off that brings on the runs, or if I drink too much Natural Calm (magnesium in powder that sometimes has a laxative effect), we say, “My bum (hole) is puckering!” Thank goodness that doesn’t happen too often!

So that is the basic system. We love our tens and fifteens! Hate those disappointment factors.

THEN, we came up with some simple names that could describe the “look” and “style”
of a particular poo. One day, after a visit to the toilet, I said to Gino, “I just pooed an Attila the Hun!”
He looked confused. “What? What does that mean?”
“You know, the character from Star Wars!” I said (I know, I know).
“OHHHHHHH! You mean JABBA THE HUT!” he exclaimed. We started laughing. Obviously, we know what Jabba the Hut looks like. And if you don’t check out Jabba here to your right.

It is funny because when I mentioned the Attila the Hun to a friend of mine, he said, “What, it was bloody?” Ewwwww! I thought that was hysterical and of course can understand why he would think that – cause when I said Attila I was visualizing good ol’ Jabba. So I still use Attila affectionately.

That’s about it with our names. We use “coiler” from time to time. Those are fun and worthy of tens and higher. And we often use the phrase, “I think I am crowning!” My body loves to do this as I am coming home from somewhere, and I guess my body must start to relax, knowing I am close to home and my own water closet (old fashioned name for toilet) and I literally have to dart up the stairs as I push people out of the way, hollering, “I’m crowning!” or, “It’s poking its head out!”

I am chuckling just writing this. I am baring my childish sense of humour for all of you to enjoy!

Well, that’s all for this week’s instalment. Coming next…more recipes, and whatever else I am into at the moment. And I am preparing for another liver flush – the last one was great and it is suggested to do one a month if there are certain ailments/issues you are trying to clear up. I just keep thinking of my last trip to Italy where I drank more wine than I ever have had in my life and partook in foods that I normally never eat.

I leave you with a “Nugget” from the book, What’s Your Poo Telling You? (we don’t like poo nuggets!)
The amount of poo expelled per day varies from country to country. For instance, South Asians unload nearly three times as much poo as their British counterparts. This difference is largely due to the higher fibre content in the average Indian diet.

I can attest to that – travelling in India I experienced a lot of Jabba’s and lots of tens…and some of the “peeing out of your butt” poos. Oh, that one was not fun.

I would love to hear any ideas or suggestions in how I could improve my poo rating system and would love to hear your own stories!
Let’s bring POO out of the closet! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Bye for now,
Xell

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